Over the last year, my life has changed so incredibly much for the better. I remember two years ago how miserable it was for me to just get out of bed in the morning. Every single day was a new set of trials and tribulations with him, and as much as I hate to think about it, he’s the one who changed everything. He changed the way I used to dress, the way I used to do my makeup and even the way I talked. As I look back at it now, I don't know how I let him get that deep inside of my head. It was always something about the way he looked in my eyes when he wasn’t fighting with me. He really had me wrapped around his finger over the 2 years he was in my life, and the one we were together (kinda). A narcissist is what people would label him as, but he was the most insecure narcissist there was. Even from the beginning there were so many red flags but, he said he loved me. No one had ever really made me feel loved and he did. He told me he loved me as he told me to change out of what I was wearing because he didn’t want me to wear it out, he told me he loved me as he begged me not to leave my house and he told me he loved me as he was telling 2 other girls I was nobody. I would stay home every weekend hoping he would talk to me, that he would make me feel better after tearing me down. I was so painfully attached, why? I was attached because of my past. My dad didn’t love me and I just wanted to fill that gap in my life with someone who would do the same. Even as everything was being blamed on me, I still apologized for upsetting him with my feelings. He needed every single second of my time, when it was convenient for him. I loathed both him and myself, but I only hated myself because I couldn’t leave or see why I should. I met him, he lived in Minnesota for the first “7 months” of our relationship, even though he left me for someone else and only came back because he didn’t have anyone else. But, being there with him for those short two days seemed like a fantasy. How could he not love me, but only to come see me from so far away. When he was with me, a few times he made me so uncomfortable, but he loved me? After those two days, he got worse because of the distance. I could usually be okay, it was usually him who fought about it. I was patient, he wanted everything all at once. The 5th of july, 2018. He called me to talk to me, because I had asked to talk about the night previous. He ignored me because I couldn’t call, I was with my family. What he had to talk about was completely different, he wanted a break, I begged and pleaded for him not to leave me. The week we lasted in this “break” was the hardest time of our whole relationship. But, he left me again for someone else. Weeks later he begged to me with me, because his new pursuer dropped him. I thought about it I really did, but I realized I was better without him, my breaking point. My breaking point was when I opened up to him when we weren’t together. He told me it was my own fault my mother overdosed and he told me it was my fault that my dad didn’t love me or want me. That was the worst year of my life, and that’s only what I can remember. If I could remember all of it there would be so much more. As 2019 is nearing the end, I’ve now been happy without him in my life. My mental health is so much better and I can be myself. I can color my hair how I want, wear makeup how i want and dress how I like to dress. Toxic relationships start as one red flag but, they quickly multiply to twenty. I wish I would have recognized them sooner and I wouldn’t have dealt with what I did.