Three weeks
Fix this Fix that Fix everything Fix yourself Fix yourself Fix yourself -- Your next appointment is in three weeks, see you then -- Talking Too much Therapy is going to help No it won’t I can’t be honest The words will not come out No matter how hard I try They remain unsaid inside my thoughts my mind my brain my heart Talking Too much These feelings won’t be released These feelings will stay suppressed This therapist, amazing I trust her but they stay inside Tonight I sigh My emotions stay undiscoverable Why can I not speak? How? Nothing is wrong, I had a long day ~ A hug ~ Get better Too much
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“I don't really want no life,
I don't even really wanna die…” -Ghostemane As I wake up, I open my eyes to another day being here, I clear my throat and rub my eyes--- the cold water splashes against my face, I stand completely still--- stuck and frozen, in this moment of realization. The repetition of this feeling is dragging my mind away from my body. I am not living through this, I am existing, in a slow motion film. I try my hardest to feel, I talk and engage in conversation, I intertwine my fingers with yours, you hold me with my head against your chest, I try to live when I am with you. Trying my hardest to raise my expectations for myself to please you and to make you happy, I get so exhausted with everything that is tearing my body out of my own skin-- as you place a kiss on my forehead, your eyes look into mine, I see your soul and I remember, what it is like to be truly alive, your eyes bring me to life, I can see with you. Twelve
Outside in my backyard with the late summer sun beaming down on me and my cousin as we enjoy the last of summer, we were called inside, I was twelve. I was confused, not knowing why my cousin was going home; I wished summer would never end I loved being out of school, I was twelve. My grandmother weeped in the bathroom, I had no idea why she was so sad, everyone I saw that day had blank expressions like they had seen a ghost, I was twelve. Called outside to join my grandparents, I made my way outside to join them when they said they told me that my mother has died from an overdose, she left me. Broke, from the summer of age twelve. This is Very Hard
You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need you. I know things aren’t the best right now. I am sorry that this is very hard. I want you to know that I love you and I won’t leave you scarred. You’ve been through enough people hurting you and I don’t want you to shove me away. You’re all I have and all I will ever need nothing is above you. My everything, I will always keep my promises to you. Your love makes me so incredibly happy and your heart is as pure as a dove. I just have to tell you, no matter what happens I will still love you. I cried tonight, I sobbed into my pillow for how much love I have for you. I am so scared of this, I have never felt this way before and I’m terrified. Terrified of what my heart says and what my mind will scream, justified is what my feelings are. But, if justified why do they feel so wrong? Weak, is what I am. You don’t understand how hard it is to fake being strong. My mind is filled with these thoughts, overthinking every situation I am in. Easy to break, oversensitive and difficult. The ice you walk on is thin. I need you, but holding you back from being happy feels worse than any fight. --Caralee Milbourn I am Sorry for Myself
I trusted someone and of course it backfired for myself by wasting my own time trying to build a friendship with a liar Knowing it wouldn’t work and failing like I predicted Perfect Caralee Milbourn
I miss you so much. I know, I miss you too. I am really sorry. Don't be, it's not your fault. I feel like it is, what're we gonna do? We'll figure it out. How? I don't know. Oh. I love you. I love you too. Call me? I can in a little bit. Okay. Please don't leave me. I will never leave you, I promise. Thank you for loving me, I don't know what I would do without you. Of course, you give me everything I could ever want. I trust you, with everything. Can I see you today? Yes, what time? I don't know yet. Okay, let me know. I will, I love you. I love you too. Come Over. Okay, see you soon. I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to fight with you either. We fight all the time. No, we don't, only sometimes. It's not good. I know, I'm sorry. It's not your fault it's mine; I ruin everything. No you don't. I don't make you happy anymore. Yes, you do. You make me happy every single day. Not anymore. Yes, you do. I never want to lose you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too. You'll never lose me, I promise. You promise? I promise. Thank you, you really mean everything to me. You mean more than everything to me, I really mean it. I mean it too. I only want you. I only want you too, I'm sorry I get scared. Don't be, it's okay, I mean it. Thank you for loving me. Of course, no matter what. No matter what? No matter what. You're my person. You're my person too. I really want to stay with you. Hey, we got this, I promise. You think so? Baby, I know we can get through anything. Anything? Anything at all, my love. You
Are an amazing Listener always showing Me that you care about me And I can always put trust into you You Are a shitty Father who doesn't Want anything other than To thrive off of hurting others You Are toxic to My life always Stepping onto me At the worst of times Caralee’s World
By Caralee Milbourn caralee’s everything has hazel eyes and a warm smile he speaks with a soft voice never raising it his tight embrace doesn’t leave my side his hands grip mine our fingers are intertwined we listen to each breath rise and fall Father Who
Caralee Milbourn Dad who runs away and blames it on everyone else who is syringes and burnt spoons who is a cigarette and a BIC lighter whose forehead wears a scowl who tells me I am his own who tells me he loves me whose mind is doped up won’t ever be my dad again spends time with them every single second like they’re better who used to read me stories every single night is gone is a pill found under the table is constantly chasing a high won’t ever admit he was wrong is blaming everything on my mother he spreads his forest fire of lies is jeans with dirty knees and baggy t-shirts who seems to leave more than he comes back guilt tripping me into saying I love you who doesn’t love me I HATE NOT BEING WITH YOU
YOU ARE SO FAR AWAY I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL LAST NIGHT MY HEART ACHED AS I LONGED FOR YOU I GOT OUT OF BED WITH SWOLLEN EYES AND MY THROAT BURNED THIS IS EVERY NIGHT STILL I HATE NOT BEING WITH YOU IT'LL HAPPEN AGAIN TONIGHT I MIGHT SLEEP A LITTLE I WILL WAKE IN TERROR TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AS I REALIZE YOU ARE NOT HERE TO COMFORT ME I HATE NOT BEING WITH YOU YOU ARE SO FAR AWAY |
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December 2019
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